A Blast From the Past

Today I went home 4 hours early. My body isn't feeling quite well today. Probably still tired because of the Calatagan Company outing we had yesterday (will be posting about it soon). Since I'm not actually feeling sleepy, I sat back watched My Sister's Keeper (which made me cry buckets of tears), updated FB, watched some porn, and got me to open my multiply account (which i have not opened in ages). I almost forgot that i've got blogs there (and i realized i used to put a lot of side comments in my own statements there, like this). So I'll be reposting some of the interesting ones out here.

Here's one which was dated October 30, 2007.

A Day After My Birthday

Its october 30 2007. now i am 20 years, 23 hours and 6 minutes old. its really funny how i matured in a year. i can say i matured more as i turned 20 than i was when i turned 19. honestly, i had the most boring birthday ever. but who cares? as we all grow up, people start to think less about how special their birthday should be. i spent my birthday without my parents. they're at work till 9pm. i cant go out because i have to stay home with my sister. my sister was sick (suka-tae). my brother's at the other house (as usual). i had danggit for lunch on my very birthday (masarap naman in fairness). a had a couple of greetings. just a couple (sa mga nakalimot.. magiging matumal ang sex life nio). i had no gifts. there was a liquor ban (oh shit!). i was just sittin next to the pc the whole day. i took a bath around 330 pm (mejo amoy aso na ko). i went to church alone. actually it felt good tho. i had the chance to kneel and pray (as i dont usually kneel when i pray like after the communion). i conversed with god alone. i had many things in mind. i had been thankful for a lot of things. i had new friends. new experiences -- both good and bad. and many things that have enriched me. for a sem God taught me how to be alone. the friends i had in that block ditched me for the research group. that was a huge blow for me tho i had been strong enough not to show it. i met new sets of friends. my ever reliable and loving kapusod research group (kaya nga kapusod hindi bcloptuv). and an odd circle of bisexual males and females (salamat kay miko). whatever i am right now, it's because of the people around me. so i prayed for them. i also thought, before i used to count how many people greet me on my birthday. usually it never fell shorter than a hundred or else id feel really bad (tsk tsk..). but now, i only had i guess around less than 30. but it didnt really matter. as long as the people closest to me remembered, its good enough. in less than a year, i learned how to live simply. i had been blinded by my false illusion of havin a popular-bitch-regina-george-type image. (well that's because some people actually told me im like one so its not all about me). i had been ultimately mayabang, egocentric and carefree. many people hated me tho they never had the courage to reveal theirselves. except for one (ang arte mo nagsorry n nga ako!). well anyway, i had been deeply bothered by my insecurities -- thoughts about myself i never thought i had. i began thinking how ugly i am, how unglamorous my life turned out to be, how unpopular ive become, how a loser i was, and above all, i had been so damn alone. but before i sank deep into these things, one phrase got me through it. "eh ano naman?" damn right. eh ano naman? because of that enlightenment (hwow), i matured. these things were included in the things i had prayed for. so i bought myself some ice cream and a cake. i dont want to celebrate my birthday without one. i had that banoffe pie. actually, its not that good. im not a fan of nuts and bananas really (ung totoong bananas as in the yellow one). the strawberry ice cream was good. i cooked carbonara. and god it tasted really good (hindi sa pagyayabang per naknakan ng sarap ung carbonara ko). it was my first ever cooking and i felt really proud of myself. i finished the day off checkin my friendster and updatin my multiply. it had been a simple day. my birthday is a day i should spend with myself. (teka lang moment ko to). its a personal day really. a time to ponder to yourself on the things that transpired in you over a year. it goes beyond the lavish celebrations, new clothes, endless parties and overflowing food. its about feeling good about what you've become and being thankful for it. i am no longer jc the bitch goddess.( i find it really immature and inappropriate na). i am more than just a walkin attitude problem. and im no longer a teenager. so i better be more than what i was. i know i will be.


photo taken: October 29, 2007

God loves me.

Last night I slept at my sister's room. I woke up this morning feeling lazy. Like I don't really want to get up but just lie down and doze off some more. I turned and saw a book on the side table. It is Bo Sanchez's How to be Really, Really, Really Happy. I know it would be some kind of inspirational stuff. Though I'm not really much into those kind of things i still picked it up and browsed through the first few articles.

It was a good book. I can't help but read through the articles one page to the next. I love Bo's humor. It was indeed an inspirational book about God, faith, and life. It was a book about Bo's simple and personal experiences and his thoughts on how he or we could relate to God. It was presented in a realistic and almost casual manner. It was light and inspiring, not any of those heavy drama catechism stuffs. I was able to relate to it. It was a good read.

I always say, "I'm not the religious-type. But I am a spiritual person." For me spirituality is a very personal thing. More intimate and personal than my own life. It is my relationship to Him. It is something I keep to myself, something I treasure a lot though it may not show. I hate it when people tell me how to relate to God, how to pray, how I should see God, what I should do for the Church and to others, how to go to heaven etc.. We are all humans. If I have no idea on how to live life according to His will, neither would anyone else. For me, it's such a shame how some claim to be so close to God and see others as not. Devotion and hypocrisy are 2 different things, with a very slim line drawn between them.

I've always had this thing to practice my faith in silence and privacy. I believe in God. I believe that he loves each and everyone of us. I believe that he does get hurt when we do bad things. I believe he forgives us when we say sorry and promise not to do it again. I believe he wants us to be happy. I believe he gave us free will. I believe he wants us to experience life -- to go through rough times so we learn to value life's greatest gifts. I believe all these and a whole lot more about God's love, and I hold it deep, deep down in my heart.

Being a gay guy, my faith has been challenged a hundred times just because of being what I am. I have learned to keep things to myself, holding on to the fact that God loves me no matter what. I have hidden my faith from everyone, always keeping my defenses up. I've always tried to put on a hard face. Some can't even believe that I go to St. Jude on thursdays like it is something that doesn't suit my personality. I'm just trying to protect my faith. Though I may be weak, my belief in God's love is much stronger than anything else in the world.

So I have laid myself vulnerable by merely writing this one. This is one side of me I don't usually show to everyone. Yes guys, I am a Christian. I live my faith my own way. I talk and relate to a God at a different level -- something only I and Him could understand. I have said this once before, and I would say it again: "though I might not show it but one thing bigger than my ass, is my faith."

El Salvador: Signing off.

I had been with SGSP for more or less a year and a month now. El Salvador has been my team ever since, under the supervision of TL Dann. The whole production floor is divided into several bays where teams under the same cluster have some sort of area of responsibility and ES is positioned in the Latin American bay. They are the people and faces i get to hang out with every single day that i go to work. The very same TL i report to every now and then. And now, things will never be the same again.

Now everyone in the office knows I am not that fond with my team. Most of the time, I hang out with different sets of people other than my own team. Don't get me wrong. I don't have anything against them. Like I always say, some people just don't share the same wavelength. Individual differences. You see, most of them are boys and I am not particularly good with getting along with boys -- boys that like girls, that is. Though I had Jean, the closest gal i had in the team, I just didn't learn how to get along that much with the rest of them. There was also Mich (who was almost my best bud) who turned out to be a bigtime scammer.

I love TL Dann. Though we had clashes (being the cranky old guy that he is and the impervious obnoxious gay bitch that i am), we learned to get along well during these past few weeks. I learned to see how really great a guy he is. I hope he gets well with his new team and I wish nothing but the best for him.

And now, I have to adjust to a new environment by May. Though not totally (duh?! i would still be working under the same company), i would have to adjust myself to a new team, new set of rules, new supervisors, and a new schedule. For me, work schedules dictate my life. I would have to adjust all other activities with it. Even at this point, it's already giving me the headaches. But life always has it's surprises. Who knows what those changes would bring? I might even find a hot hook up in my new team or bay. Or my new sched would allow me to do more other things etc.. Though I may be anxious, I am anxious in a good way. Change is good. It just depends on how we deal with it.

Short.

As i went through my previous posts, i realized they were all too lengthy. Just to keep things in balance, this will be my shortest post yet. *smile*

Mama Mia!!

>

So today, April 18, i had lunch with my family over at Dad's Kamayan, Saisaki at SM Megamall. And it's not just an ordinary lunch out. I pigged out. After all the days of jogging, wearing my waist trimming binder, jumping ropes and working out, I indulged into a feast of everything fatty and fattening. Now my tummy is bigger than ever. I can't even sit up straight. And what's worse is, i had a wardrobe malfunction.

It's my mom's birthday today. She is around 56 years old i think. My mom is just like a typical county girl that went to the city. She's the ultimate homemaker. She's definitely not the modern-type but we are slowly working out our way into getting her to try on sleeveless blouses, put on some make up, and introducing her to a little more culture. She doesn't have much of a clique to hang out with though she have some colleagues over at their school (she's a teacher by the way). Some might see her as corny and KJ. She doesn't want to travel because she doesn't want to ride the plane, board the ship, or even go to long long terrain trips. She loves shopping. She is simply one of a kind.

When I was young, we used to hate her. My sister once tried to kill her with a hammer when she was 4. We also had this protest against her when she slapped our butts over at something i really don't quite remember. I just remembered that we refused to eat the food she cooked. Instead we cooked our own Lucky Me pansit canton that we bought out of selling our old toys. That's also when we learned to wash our own clothes. And we promised not to talk to her ever again. We used to ignore her when she's having emotional outbursts. She once cried and shouted at us for not greeting her Happy Mother's day early in the morning. It is until just recently that i realized she must have been going through her menopause stage. I used to hate her for making me pluck out her white hairs on friday and saturday nights while watching bubble gang. She will pay me 1 peso per hair. I even tried to pull my white leo stuff toy's fur and hand it over in a twizzer but she realized it's too thin and shiny to be human hair. My relationship with my mom is not quite as good as others had when i was young. It was a series of slaps, pingot, kurot and palo. But now i realize that for every hit she gives us, it's more like hitting her heart 5 times. For every squeal and cry, it breaks her heart 5 times more. No mother is too hard to see her son suffer in her very own hands. But she knows she had to do it. Though my mom raised me that way (maybe that's the reason why my kuyukot is dark), i understand, she's just doing her job.

My mom has changed a lot over the past few years. She used to be the cranky and labile one. Being a public school teacher, she is used to dealing with the naughtiest and rowdiest kids. She was not the sweet, cheesy kind of mom. I once thought she had problems showing her true emotions that's why she usually cranks up everytime. She nags a lot. But i realized she does that when she's happy. She talks a lot about the things she hate when everyone is sitting at the dining table eating dinner. She now kisses us on the cheek during mass after the Our Father. She still prepares my baon every single day that i go to work. She washes the dishes, does the laundry, and presses them on weekends. I can tell that she's aging slowly. Her nerves hurt at times. Yet she still keeps on doing the things she does without complaining. She once had this barrier. And now she's slowly opening up to us. And she has gone a far length just to be where she is right now.

It's not easy when you are expected to perform your responsibilities and try to fight your own personal demons inside at the same time. I don't really know my mom's history that much or what she had gone through in the past. But mom has gone through a milestone when it comes to being a mother for all of us. She has done a fantastic job. Now our relationship with her has gone up to a different level. We love her. That's one thing we don't usually say to her. But i know she knows it in her heart. For every kiss, for every hug, even for every puting buhok, she knows we love her so much. I may not be able to meet a girl and get married someday. But i'm happy enough that i was able to share my life with the most wonderful girl I have ever and would ever see. Happy birthday MAMA!

Interview with a Vampire

Just the other night, when i was waiting for a jeep along aurora avenue, a guy approached me. I was tipsy then as i just came from P2 (remember the Salon party?). It was around 4 in the morning then. He said, "mukang nakainom tayo ah." Though dumbfounded, i just nodded. then he said "gimik tayo" and i replied, "wala akong pera." Then he said " sige na 200 lang." If we were an anime character, i would have heard 'toinks' and a big droplet of sweat will be appearing above my head. I wanted to laugh and tumble down. Instead i just smiled and said no.

This is not the first time i was approached by a colboy. Sholbam as we call it in the Salon. One night i was going home from a house party i was walking along araneta area when one guy smiled at me as i passed by. He shouted loudly "gimik tayo." I ignored it. Then when i was waiting for a jeep along aurora, another guy approached me. I almost jumped when he spoke right behind my ear. I didn't understand what he was saying. It was like his lips are moving (in a very weird way) but i can't hear anything. i kept on asking him to repeat until he finally spoke loud enough. he was asking me where i'm going and again the pick up line, "gimik tayo." i almost bursted a laugh that time when i saw that he's missing a tooth or two. I wanted to laugh but at the same time i was scared (maybe it's the alcohol). the guy was really thin and his face was so white with powder. He's probably around 5'10" tall and his clothes are quite decent. he doesn't look like the usual colboy stereotype that wears muscle shirt and has muscular physique. he was thin and he looks almost sickly. though i wanted to laugh hysterically over his lost tooth and the funny way he speaks, i can't help but feel scared for him. I can almost see it, like the word 'AIDS' is stamped across his forehead.

I was approached by sholbams a couple of more times in the past. I NEVER entertained any. duh?! I may not look that good but puhlease i'm not desperate! why pay if you can get it for free? and besides i'm way too freakin scared of getting sick. The first time i was asked by a colboy, i was offended. haha. i started thinking, do i look that gay that even strangers come up to me and ask me to pay for their service? or do i look like the type that needs to pay just to keep my sex life alive? or do i look that old (i'm only 22 just so you know!)? but then, i realized it's probably my fault. You see, their number one selling point for their clients is eye contact. When they catch you looking at them, they will slowly work their way to you. They will try to come up with a conversation like ask you what the time is or ask you where you are going. Then there goes the bomb, "gimik tayo" phrase. if you resist one time, they will try for another rebuttal, probably laying out the price. another no, then they will act sad. hahaha! i know you might think i just made up this sad-acting part but yeah they do that. or probably they really are. but it's weird. the way they try to look in the distance with those puppy dog eyes, man, it's just crazy! So unless you're still up for some more thrill, you can nail it and smash it with a final no and they'll leave like nothing happened.

I once asked one of them if they find what they do difficult. he just said, "minsan meron, minsan wala." So it means the "wala" part is what's hard for them, not the nature of the job itself. *sigh* what's going on with the world today?? being the curious cat that i am, i probed some more. They do it and go out almost everynight. Their peak seasons are weekends of course and they can go as many as 3 customers in a night. whew! i feel filthy just typing this down. Most of them don't have day jobs since obviously they would be too tired in the morning to work. I haven't researched too much on this. Jessica soho and mike enriquez already had a couple of good covers on this.

Just recently DOH has declared an HIV - AIDS epidemic. It was forecasted that there were 4,400 HIV/AIDS cases in 2009, around 9,000 cases by the end of 2010 and around more than 30,000 cases by 2013. There was also a study about 675 respondents in 22 call centers in metro manila and metro cebu and showed a significant number of positive cases in this particular group of people. Didn't i just said i didn't do much research? haha

Today sex has taken up an entirely new meaning. For some time i wondered why the Church has banned the mere idea of it for the longest time. It is not the act per se that makes it bad. It seems like it's more on the psyche while doing it that makes it a taboo. It is what runs in the mind that desecrates one of the greatest human experience ever discovered. When it would have just been a sublime expression of love, where 2 bodies and souls unite, it is now tampered with greed, irrational lust and earthliness. If it is used and abused far more than what it was intended for, that's what makes it a sin. Ergo, as long as you have sex with the one you love, even if you pump all day and night, no matter how horny you both are, it should not be taken against you since it is being done in the name of love. woot! woot! Now that's a good way to put it. But what if you fall in love with a prostitute? Would that be your ticket to heaven? weeh. what the heck. anyway that's all for now. safe sex everyone! xoxo

The END: Energy Never Dies

I can't remember when was the last time i had a good time inside a gay-oriented party scene. I've been to them a dozen times but i haven't been there for probably over half a year now. Especially when the news about aids broke out i swore i won't go there ever again. But as they say, never say never.

Last night, April 11, 2010 (or midnight so technically it's already april 12 then), I was at Palawan 2 bar in cubao with my Stellar Salonmates marvus (kahera) maui (taga shampoo) markee (taga blow dry) and gena (taga pedicure). We had so much fun over at the gay drags performing. They fell in love with Ate Reg and Tsoknut. Tsoknut was still the same super nice guy he had always been. He once came to the rescue when i was harassed inside a bar CR in Cubao. He was still as down-to-earth as ever. We all had a great time, laughing and dancing the night away. I never realized how much i missed parteying. I thought i already grew out of it. Then, it just happened again. Like a first timer again, the floor, the lights, and the beat just drowned me. It was ecstatic!

Our 'Salon' inside the office was formed several weeks ago. Though we have known each other for the longest time, it wasn't until these past few months that our schedules have matched in the evening shift and we got to sit next to each other everytime. It was composed by me, Marvus, Maui, Markee, Vhiar, Cheska, Gena and also other people who at times sit with us like Abee, Mau, Olei, Hapi, Maymay etc.. Most (if not all) of us are gays. So you could just imagine what chaos it is when we are all together. We have flame throwers, magic tricks, song and dance numbers and comedy stints in the floor, as if you are in a real entertainment club. No "stress sa work", just all fun "sharing." We have the best moments of the day when we're all together in the Salon.

Going back, the Salon people decided to come out and have a good time on a sunday night because our group is slowly being disbanded. Fate can sometimes get really nasty. You see we are the coolest and noisiest clique in the production floor probably in the not-so-long history of the company. It came to a point that the only reason i come to work is because of them. Not for the job, not for the compensation, but for their mere company. That's how much we mean to each other.Maybe, (which i, myself is not convinced) we got a little too much. One day our boss came up to us. He wanted us to sit apart from our dear Ate Cheska (which is really weird) for the reason that we are noisy. duh?! well anyway we have to comply with the damn rules so there it is. Other than that, Maui, is going to Singapore for a month. She will be back by june but by then, Marvus and I will be resigning from the company. I will also be transferred to another bay within the account so I won't have the same schedule as they all have and i will have to sit apart from them even if i got to catch them during my shift. Things were gradually falling apart. We are being taken one at a time. What could this mean?

I've been in the call center industry for a few years now and been to several call centers and been with different sets of friends. Believe it or not, not all of them kept in touch after i left. Most of them were gone like the wind, never heard from them. That's what i'm afraid of. The Salon will never be the same if one of it's components is lost, moreover, when we don't get to see each other almost everyday like we used to. But as they say, nothing in this life is constant but change. So no matter how hard it is for all of us, we have no choice but to move on and keep moving forward.

But on the bright side, I'm happy that we all got the chance to know each other. Though i might loose grip on some ropes, there will be ends i will hold on tighter. It was a gift that we had each other. And you don't just throw away gifts specially the really good ones. So i will just enjoy their company while i can and make the most out of it. Things may change. I can say i had a one fabulous make-over. And i will be no less beautiful when I face the world, as i step out of the Salon.

The first is always the sweetest.

This is my first entry to this blog. I was inspired by my dear bestfriend marvus and my long time crush ron errol. So instead of lashing all out on my FB account i might as well pour all my thoughts here. Here, I can say anything under the sun. I can post anything without other people complaining about messing up with their stupid pages. Here, everything is all about me. It would be like telling stories to myself and getting a hold of my most intimate thoughts. Alas! My very own, personal scrapbook.

So what about me? Unlike most people, I enjoy talking about myself. It's not like I'm self-centered or narcissistic. It's just that if I have one good story to tell, that would be no less than my own meandering experience.

I talk a lot. I laugh a lot. and I bitch a lot. Probably one of the things that i do most on my spare time is that i try to think how other people think. Just trying to figure out how they would react on certain things as compared to what they or i should have done if I were on their shoes. And that's where the bitchin sets in. You see, not all people are made perfect. But not all are made imbecile either. We all have choices -- choices that can either be good or bad for us. There are some things that we have no control. But we have control on far more other things. If you are fat because you have a metabolic disorder, you are off the hook. But if you are fat, smelly and uncivilized, you should be scared. The words of the mind are far more lethal than the spoken ones. Now who's meaner? is it the one who thinks of such mean things which are actually mere reflections of what is seen outside; or is it the other for letting his self become such and subject his self into such ridicule?

Another thing is that, I believe in redeeming quality. Everyone has a chance of being good at something. Like for example, most comedians are ugly. But they are so good at making people laugh that people like them inspite of how they look. Or some may be born lame (ie, personality-wise) but they could either be a super genius, one hell of a goodlooking guy, or immaculately good person. They may be boring, but at least they're not single. And then there are those that (which if according to this postulate i made) I can't figure out how the hell ever existed.

Don't get me wrong. Things might sound nasty but if you'll come to think of it, sure enough you'll know I have a point. I'm not the smartest guy in school. Neither am I that good looking. I'm just a simple guy. Simple but not ordinary. I always say, "I'm a little bit of everything all rolled into one." hence I'm a bitch according to Meredith Brooks. I'm a guy and a girl rolled into one physical body. I'm a dancer. I'm a singer. I'm a party animal. I'm a spiritual person. I'm friendly and nice. But I'm feisty and fierce. I'm sweet but I'm compelling. I am artistic and creative. I love books. I love music. I flunked math. I'm bad with relationships. I am predictably unpredictable. I might suck at a lot of other things, but it is with my complexity that i redeem my self. My diversity is my redeeming quality.

Well, maybe that would be all for now. I just gave out a piece of my mind just so you would have a track of how i think and an idea of what to expect here. I know you might think there would be a lot of bitchin and nasty stuffs goin on around here but no. I will want this blog to be a positive one. Some posts might sound mean but i'll make sure it's funny and not like MEAN blown out of proportion. Someday i would have to go back and read through all the stuffs i will have here. I wouldn't want to think that i had been nothing more than a talk shit. This is the first ever blogsite i have. The first pensieve i will have for all the thoughts my mind cannot contain. And just like most of the firsts i had in life, I want this one to be special. God bless and more power to heyitsjace.blogspot.com